i will no longer be full of anxiety

Yea. Easier said than done.

It feels like everyone around me is getting pregnant.  Is it something in the water?!

Here I was thinking that we were doing well and that we were finally getting back into a good place, when I found myself in tears after learning an acquaintance of mine was pregnant.

What on earth is wrong with me?! Am I really that selfish, that all I can do when learning such wonderful news is think about my own issues?  I feel pathetic and gross.

It bothers me that people who haven’t been married as long as we have are having babies.  It bothers me even more when those babies are unintended…but that just might be the maternal and child health professional in me.

PAUSE FOR RANT: Here’s a note to all you couples out there.  If you are having sex and you are not trying to get pregnant but you aren’t trying to prevent it either then YOU ARE TRYING.  Biologically, your bodies are trying to make a baby.  It’s nature.

The point is, I feel terrible.  I feel like the worst human being on the planet.  I want to be celebrating with the people around me, because honestly I really am happy for them, but I am also equally anxious about my own issues.  I don’t want to feel this way but I don’t know how to make it go away.  I’m working  on being detached, but I just have this Searing Ball of Anxiety (SBA) under my breast bone that makes it really hard to think of anything else.

I feel fragile. Like I might shatter into a million pieces.

I just don’t know how to be there for the people that I love who are going through such an exciting time while also protecting myself from the pain that being in such close proximity with them brings me right now.

Ultimately I want to get over myself.  I hate feeling this way.  I feel guilty for having these feelings, which makes me more anxious and stressed out, because now I think I’m self-centered. Which just circles me back to a really dark place where I think I deserved to have a miscarriage because I’m such a bad person.  I want to put a flaming bag of dog poop on SBA’s door step and ring the bell.

Seriously SBA…GET THE HELL OUT!!!

You see the problem with SBA is that she, yes she, SBA is a girl so get over it. Anyway like I was saying, the problem with SBA is that she thinks she’s adorable.  She’s giving me a big ‘ol bear cuddle and why wouldn’t I love it?

Well SBA, I think we need to see other people.  It’s not you, it’s me…except really, it’s you.  You just don’t get me.  Keeping me up all night was a nice thought and all, but it really just made me want to smother you.

Aaaand now I’m a homicidal maniac.  Great.

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