cookies
I baked chocolate chip cookies last night and forgot to put them away. This morning, after dropping Lauren off at the subway station, I came back to find parchment paper shredded and mangled all over the kitchen floor. It was a cookie massacre. Merlin (the resident Great Dane) had eaten everything. I immediately texted Lauren:
Rafaan: Merlin ate the cookies!
Lauren: Oh no!
Rafaan: What’s gonna happen to him?
Rafaan: Is he gonna be ok?
Rafaan: Or will he explode?
Lauren: He’ll be ok.
Rafaan: K good.
Lauren: And then he’ll explode.
Rafaan: 
butternut squash
Lauren caught me eating the plain macaroni that was left over from the butternut squash mac & cheese she made last night:
Lauren: Why are you eating the plain macaroni?
Me: I like it.
Lauren: Eat the mac & cheese I made last night.
Me: I don’t like the butternut squash you put in it.
Lauren: You can’t even taste it!
Me: Yes I can.
Lauren: What does it taste like?
Me: Butternut squash.
it’s the little things
Yesterday was just one of those days where everything seemed to go wrong. When I got into the car to go to work it wouldn’t start because the battery had died, so I was forced to take Raf’s car even though the registration had recently expired.
Of course I got pulled over and given a $70 citation.
Due to this I arrived frazzled to work barely making it in time for the bell.
After work ended at 4:15pm I needed to drive the 40 minutes home, pick up my dinner, drive to the metro station, park the car, catch the metro and make the hour-long trip to school in time for my 6pm class. Needless to say, I would be cutting it close.
Well, as I was about 20 minutes into my drive home, I noticed that there was copious amounts of white smoke coming from under the hood of the car at which point I glanced at the temperature gauge and realized that it was waaaay past the red line. That needle could not get far enough away from that line.
My first instinct was to keep driving and I figured this probably not my brightest moment, so I called Raf, who strongly advised me to pull into the nearest gas station.
So I pulled into a Shell service center amidst stares and gasps from the other patrons of the station. It looked like I was attempting to smuggle 20 fog machines under my hood.
Anyway long story short, I left the car at the station, walked the 4 blocks to the nearest metro station and made it to class with moments to spare.
Now the issue was, by the time my class ended and I made it back to the station nearest my house it would be very dark out and it is a 15 minute walk to my house from the station.
I’ve done this walk before by myself many times during the day but only once before at night, the main reason being that I’m a creeper magnet.
I have no idea why, I think it’s got something to do with having the face of a 12-year-old and slightly resembling an anime character (or so I have been told on multiple occasions by the afore-mentioned creepers).
I was starting my walk home and giving myself a “don’t be such a scardy cat because you are a grown woman and this is a quite residential neighborhood talk’ when out of the shadows materialized my very own knight in shining armor with his trusty steed.
Raf had lassoed the dog and come to meet me on foot at the metro station so that he could walk me home. Talk about total swoon! It’s the little things like that, that remind me how lucky I am to be married to such an incredible guy. I just felt so safe and grateful that I didn’t have to ask for him to come, because that would totally blow my tough invisible cover. He just knew what I needed and delivered on it flawlessly. The result was a lovely walk home, hand in hand on a crisp fall night. It was the perfect end to an imperfect day and it just doesn’t get any better than that. 
i will no longer be full of anxiety
Yea. Easier said than done.
It feels like everyone around me is getting pregnant. Is it something in the water?!
Here I was thinking that we were doing well and that we were finally getting back into a good place, when I found myself in tears after learning an acquaintance of mine was pregnant.
What on earth is wrong with me?! Am I really that selfish, that all I can do when learning such wonderful news is think about my own issues? I feel pathetic and gross.
It bothers me that people who haven’t been married as long as we have are having babies. It bothers me even more when those babies are unintended…but that just might be the maternal and child health professional in me.
PAUSE FOR RANT: Here’s a note to all you couples out there. If you are having sex and you are not trying to get pregnant but you aren’t trying to prevent it either then YOU ARE TRYING. Biologically, your bodies are trying to make a baby. It’s nature.
The point is, I feel terrible. I feel like the worst human being on the planet. I want to be celebrating with the people around me, because honestly I really am happy for them, but I am also equally anxious about my own issues. I don’t want to feel this way but I don’t know how to make it go away. I’m working on being detached, but I just have this Searing Ball of Anxiety (SBA) under my breast bone that makes it really hard to think of anything else.
I feel fragile. Like I might shatter into a million pieces.
I just don’t know how to be there for the people that I love who are going through such an exciting time while also protecting myself from the pain that being in such close proximity with them brings me right now.
Ultimately I want to get over myself. I hate feeling this way. I feel guilty for having these feelings, which makes me more anxious and stressed out, because now I think I’m self-centered. Which just circles me back to a really dark place where I think I deserved to have a miscarriage because I’m such a bad person. I want to put a flaming bag of dog poop on SBA’s door step and ring the bell.
Seriously SBA…GET THE HELL OUT!!!
You see the problem with SBA is that she, yes she, SBA is a girl so get over it. Anyway like I was saying, the problem with SBA is that she thinks she’s adorable. She’s giving me a big ‘ol bear cuddle and why wouldn’t I love it?
Well SBA, I think we need to see other people. It’s not you, it’s me…except really, it’s you. You just don’t get me. Keeping me up all night was a nice thought and all, but it really just made me want to smother you.
Aaaand now I’m a homicidal maniac. Great.
in times of tests
We usually keep this blog fairly light and fun, but this is not one of those posts.
I’ve thought a lot about how and even if I wanted to write about this, to put it out into the world for anyone to read about and ultimately I decided that in sharing there can be healing. In sharing my experience maybe it will help other people realize that they aren’t alone. So here goes:
Back in March Raf and I decided that we were as ready as we were ever going to be to be parents. We both felt that our marriage was in a really strong place and that it was time to start trying to have a family, so we ditched the contraception and had at it. I thought it would take a while for us to conceive since there is only a 20-25% chance of conception occurring successively each month…I was wrong. I found out I was pregnant in April. Granted we were actively trying, I had even gotten one of those ovulation predictor kits, so I guess it shouldn’t have really been a surprise. We were over the moon. I immediately felt that we were a part of something bigger than ourselves.
I cried the night I saw that positive pregnancy test. Tears of gratitude, of awe, of relief.
You see, ever since I was a little girl, my biggest fear has been that I wouldn’t be able to have children of my own. I don’t know why I was worried about this and looking back it seems like a strange thing for a child to worry about, yet that fear has stayed with me into my adult life.
Anyway, so there we were, expecting out first child, and glowing with happiness. We were brimming over with love for this tiny being growing inside of me. The first time we saw our baby on the sonogram and heard the heart beat it brought tears to my eyes. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that this utter miracle was taking place beneath my skin.
So close, yet so far away.
The whole time I was filled with anxiety. I felt that somehow something wasn’t right or that something would go wrong. When we were in Israel I worked with a woman who had a missed miscarriage and this had become my new biggest fear. It consumed me. Now, this was not like me at all. I’m not normally anxiety prone or an extreme worry wort. I’m more of a “what’s meant to happen will happen” kind of person.
Yet, the weeks ticked by and everything was going well. I was exhausted but that was to be expected considering that not only was I pregnant but that I was also juggling being a full-time student, a 30 hour work week, a recent move and some family issues.
Just after week 12 Raf and I sent out an announcement to a few close friends and family. Four days later, while at work, I felt some almost imperceptible cramping. So I called Raf and told him that I was going into see my midwife. He was home sick with a nasty cold, so I told him not to bother making the trip.
There was no fetal heart beat. My new biggest fear had just become my reality.
I felt like the walls were closing in around me. This could not be happening. It wasn’t real. It was a horrible nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from.
The hardest thing about a missed miscarriage is that, not only have you lost your baby, but now you have to make a decision about how to get your body to expel the contents of conception. It doesn’t just happen on its own the way a normal miscarriage does.
You have to actively make a choice.
I was given thee options: 1. To wait it out and see if my body would eventually take care of it naturally 2. Take a pill or 3. Have a D&C
I opted for the pill. After 6 days of cramping and bleeding, I went into labor. It lasted 4 hours and I was pushing for the last hour. We buried the tiny body in the woods under a big tree. We were heart-broken. At yet, somehow I also took comfort in the fact that now my body could begin to go back to normal, to reset.
To go from such a high to such a low so quickly has literally rocked our world.
We tried to be detached. Telling ourselves and each other that “everything happens for a reason” and that “it just wasn’t meant to be.” But there was a void and we were having trouble filling it. Ultimately we are still striving for detachment and little by little we are healing. I think that it affected us in ways that we aren’t even really aware of, but we’re hopeful and optimistic about our future as parents. When the time is right it will happen and until then, we still have school and work keeping us super busy.
I truly feel that we learned a lot from this experience and that it has brought us even closer.
A good friend of ours wrote us an email saying: “There must be a blessing in this and I’m sure now you guys have an even more special connection with the heavenly realm and this pure little soul who will still always be grateful to you for giving him/her life and a chance to have a relationship with God. This is the best gift.”
I think about this all the time and it has really brought me a lot of comfort.
So, now you know why we’ve been so m.i.a. I won’t make anymore promises about being better about updating this blog, because quite honestly we have a lot on our plates with school and work. This semester is going to be hell. I will say however, that this blog will not die. We aren’t just going to leave and let it gather dust. Our primary purpose in writing this blog was to keep a record of our life for our future children and we intend to continue that.
Anyway, if anyone is still out there, thanks for listening.
love, lauren
we are the cutest
Today is Rafaan’s cousin, Maryam’s birthday. So I sent her a quick email:
—————————————————————————————-
From: Lauren Rutstein Anvari <>
Date: Tue, Mar 1, 2011 at 9:09 AM
Subject: HAPPY BIRFDAY!!!!!!!!!
To: Maryam <>
Cc: Rafaan Anvari <>
We miss you and love you SO much! Hope you have an amazing day! xoxoxoxo
——————————————————————————-
Once Rafaan saw my email he forwarded this to me:
——————————————————————————–
Fwd: Happy birfday!
Rafaan to me
I totally called it a birfday too!!! We are the cutest.
Date: March 1, 2011 6:01:22 AM EST
To: Maryam <>
Subject:Happy birfday!
Yay!
—————————————————————————–
HAPPY BIRFDAY MARYAM!!!!!!
and yes, we are the cutest.
tapioca
We were in the grocery store and Lauren had picked up something new:
R: What is that?!
L: Tapicoa pudding.
R: What is it for?
L: Eating.
R: Yes, but why are you getting it?
L: Because it’s delicious.
R: I get that, but what do you eat it with?!
L: A spoon.
assault and battery
Raf and I were at the check out in a store we frequent and I was feeling a bit affectionate , so I cozied up to him and gave him a kiss of the cheek (I know you’re thinking, WHAT?! At the check out?! But I assure you, it was totally PG). This was his response:
R: Don’t attack me!
L: *Snuggling up to him and hugging his arm*
R: This is a mild assault!
L: This is a mild assault?!?
R: Yes, and battery.
—-
On an unrelated note, I apologize (to anyone out there who may still read this blog) that we have been SO terrible about updating it. We have been fairly swamped lately with graduate school so I ask that you please be patient with us. In return we’ll try and step it up.
—-
Here is a quick run down of what we have been up to since October:
October:
In keeping with our homemade Halloween costume tradition…We were Pacman and Blinky for Halloween:
November:
1. We spent Thanksgiving at my parent’s place and there were about 30 people! It was amazing and SO yummy.
2. Rafaan turned 27 on Thanksgiving day and as per his request I made him sticky date pudding, which was TO DIE FOR if I do say so myself! http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Sticky-Date-Pudding-with-Toffee-Sauce-15100
3. I threw Rafaan and my younger brother Evan (who turned 24) a DOUBLE BIRTHDAY BASH LASER TAG EXTRAVAGANZA, which was epic! We first went and got Korean BBQ at Honey Pig, which was beyond delicious and then we split up into two teams and had an all out laser tag war.
December:
Rafaan and I celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary! He took me to a cute little French restaurant and gave me these:
http://www.etsy.com/transaction/42031138
Which he explained by saying: “three petals for three years” SO sweet!
January:
Rafaan joined forces with my cousin and his BFF, Dana and threw me the best surprise birthday party EVER! Dana and her husband Mike (my BFF) drove down from NJ and surprised me for the weekend. They took me to dinner where we were joined by my parents, Jared (my older brother) and Sholeh. After dinner I had suggested that we go play games at our friend’s house, so off we went. Well when we walked in there was our good friend Kent singing one of the songs that we had sung at our wedding surrounded by balloons and candles, I was speechless and in total shock, upon entering the room about 20 friends yelled SURPRISE from the loft-balcony that over looks their living room. I felt so incredibly loved and grateful to have so many amazing people in my life.
February:
You’re all caught up now!
don’t be dumb
So this story isn’t about me and Lauren, but I think it warrants mention on our blog. Back in March I was accepted to Georgetown University for graduate school. Around July I began rethinking my decision and wasn’t sure if I should go. I had applied to a few internships over the summer but didn’t hear back from any of them until August when one of them offered me a position. This internship was for graduate students only, so now I had to rethink my rethinking of graduate school. I was considering turning it down along with grad school until I spoke to my cousin Maryam, who has a very special way with words…
Maryam: ok listen to me.
Me: ok
Maryam: are you listening?
Me: yes
Maryam: I need you to find a wall.
Maryam: stand on the opposite side of the room.
Maryam: and run head first into the wall.
Maryam: seriously though, don’t be dumb.
Maryam: I know that’s hard for you, but I need you to try.
Maryam: just for those 15 minutes when you tell them you’ll accept the internship. After that you can go back to being dumb.
cat tales
Get it?! Cat tales! You don’t get it.
Also, it’s almost 7am and I’ve been awake for 2 hours. I don’t know why. I blame it on rap music and high fructose corn syrup.
Anyway, here’s a brief timeline of what we’ve been up to for the past two months. I hope it will explain why we haven’t been posting very frequently:
Sometime in June: Adopted kitten.
Rest of June to Now: Played with kitten.
If you’re thinking, “Gosh, what an incredibly awful lifestyle choice,” you’d be correct, but also kind of a jerk. That’s a horrible thing to think. If you’re gonna think it, at least have the guts to comment anonymously on our blog post. I was actually beginning to feel bad for neglecting our blog and spending time with Lilu (aforementioned kitten), but I don’t anymore, because you know why? Because Lilu would never think such a thing about us. Well, she might think it, but she certainly wouldn’t say it. She might bring it up casually when she’s out with her cat friends…not in a, “OMG my owners are such idiots,” kinda way, but more of a, “Gosh, my owners are so selfless. They sacrifice so much time and energy just to take care of me,” sorta way. By now you should be feeling horrible about yourself, and with any luck, have completely forgotten about our 2 month hiatus. Maybe next time you’ll think twice before letting me put words in your mouth.
Okay so here are the top 5 fun facts about Lilu:
She…
5. Enjoys nestling between the celery and lettuce when I open the fridge.
4. Likes to watch when one of us is in the shower (kinda creepy).
3. Is on a mission to ensure that all of our picture frames are hanging unevenly.
2. Poops in the toilet.
1. Licks Lauren’s eyelids in the middle of the night.
